You are the trip I did not take...

You are the trip I did not take;
You are the pearls I cannot buy;
You are my blue Italian lake;
You are my piece of foreign sky.

(by Anne Campbell)

Tonight has been a rough night. As I lay in bed, my thoughts ended up turning to Evan. We have spent a small fortune on therapy/screenings/dietary modifications for him this year. Well, maybe not so small of a fortune. It's actually taken up pretty much every spare dollar we've had, not to mention a huge amount of time and energy.
It was our 10 year anniversary just over a week ago. Some people celebrate their 10 year anniversaries with trip or cruises. Ours was a pretty quiet one, with a precious few hours spent together reminiscing and enjoying each others company.
If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change it- Most every day, I see a happier boy- who has better social skills, attention span, impulse control... I am really, truly pleased with how far we've come just since January. But just that small part of me grieves that it's not just about me-or Nathan and I- any more. As I lay in bed, my mind flashes back and forth to a number of times that I've felt jealous lately. I am fairly good these days at not being judgemental. I am not so good at not being jealous. I do try to remind myself, of all we are blessed with-that if I could see others challenges as clearly as I can see their cutes houses, or vacation photos, I wouldn't feed jealous. We have infinitely more joy-and growth- than we would have without our amazing kids. I think the effort and money we are investing in Evan now is likely to save all of us years of struggle and grief.

So, after writing this, I feel more at peace with how things are, what lies yet to do.



Poem by
(“To My Child,” quoted in Charles L. Wallis, ed., The Treasure Chest [1965], 54)